Screenwriting - Week 13

06/05/2019

I was feeling better and decided to spend some time on the treatment before class this morning. But my laptop was playing up, so I didn't make any progress before class.

I believe the current inner want of helping people will make the scene where Darren saves someone from being run over will be more meaningful. The person who is saved took a wrong step and falls onto the road, injuring his ankle.

I have managed to continue writing the treatment in class, but I cannot for the life of me describe the story in detail. So I have been writing the treatment in a  way that doesn't use up all my brain power after writing the first act or get me overwhelmed by overthinking it.

I was feeling more confident and positive while I was completing and got more done than I expected. Patrick took a look and thought that I should be careful how I phrase actions and objects, in a visual sense, shift around some scenes, and get rid of the counselling sessions in the film. 

However, I want to keep those counselling session in the scene because it points out Darren's reliance on his jacket, and makes the film end with informing audiences where he will go from here and define what type of person Leah believes Darren is. I did include a scene involving a job interview that he storms out of because he is uncertain about getting this kind of job he is applying for.

I do intend to proof read the treatment before submitting this later in the week.


State of Mind
Short Film Treatment
Written by Jerry Westaway


Abstract imagery of underground pipes transition into a young man in his 20’s called DARREN, he is sitting in a waiting room. He looks bored and sighs as he looks at time and then takes out an appointment card out of his jacket pocket with the time on it and then looks at the clock again. He shoves the card back into his pocket and takes out a pen, which he fidgets with in fascination. A door opens. It’s a middle-aged counselor that Darren has come to see called LEAH. She tells him to come in and he sits down on a chair. They start to talk with Leah having a pen and paper on a clipboard at the ready.

Darren is looking more sad and depressed than before. It is a couple of months prior to the previous scene. He looks down at a bundle of pens. Darren tries to call his family, but with no answer. There are many unanswered calls on his phone to his family. He picks up a pen.

A woman in her 30’s is looking on a map on her phone. She is Darren’s sister, DAISY. She is trying to find her way around the town. She talks to a STRANGER who gives her directions.

Darren’s CV and a couple of letters are on a table. Darren leaves his flat and takes a walk with overcast skies above him, with a lot on his mind. 

He is in a waiting room in an office building. In a flash, he is thinking about being stuck in bed. He is hungry, but he doesn’t want to get up as time goes by. Suddenly, he hears a muffled voice calling for his name and it’s repeated, but more clearly. He consciously finds myself back in the waiting room and takes off his jacket, revealing neat and tidy clothes. Darren gets up and touches his shirt in a dusting motion. He then enters a door. A MAN signals him to sit down. The man talks inaudibly. Darren feels uncomfortable as he sees the man’s mouth go up and down with speech to a point where he just stares outside to a window. Flashes of his jacket on the chair in the waiting room. He looks certain suddenly. Darren gets out of the chair and storms out of the building. He grabs his jacket on the way out.

Darren is again taking a walk outside on a footpath of an urban street. He is hyperventilating, but is trying to chill out. He stops as he calms down.

Darren enters a dairy and looks at the lollies and the biscuits. He starts to leave. A WORKER at the dairy looks at Darren with suspicions, staring at Darren’s jacket. The worker runs at Darren and accuses him of stealing. Darren is offended, but offensive about the accusation. The worker is unconvinced and threatens to call the police, but then is Daisy can hear shouting at the worker. The sight of Daisy shocks Darren, but just annoys the worker. The worker tells her to bugger off and mind her business. Daisy stands her ground and demands to show proof. The worker is stumped for an answer and asks for why this concerns her. Daisy tells the worker that she’s Darren’s sister and knows him better than anyone in the town, enough to know that he is not that type of man. 

Back to the present day, Leah asks Darren on his feelings about that situation. Darren explains to Leah that in hindsight and nowadays, he wouldn’t wear a jacket like that into dairy or shop of any kind, but the thing was that the jacket made him feel safe and confident to leave his flat. Leah asks if it still does. He answers yes, but states that he is no longer reliant on it. His jacket is hung up on a hanger back at home. Leah reminds Darren that he still hasn’t directly answered her question. He sighs and tells her that the situation was distressing, but still believes that the worker at the diary had no right to treat him like that. It wasn’t what the worker did, it’s how the worker did it.

With the flick of a pen, Leah notes: If only that worker knew Darren’s state of mind’. She asks Darren to continue his story.


Back to the story, Darren pouts as he enters his flat with Daisy looking concerned. Darren is about to enter his room but is halted by Daisy and asks to sit and speak with her. Daisy asks about taking off his jacket, but he refuses. Daisy just lets him do so. Darren mumbles why he can never get of her on the phone, but Daisy doesn’t make sense of it and asks him to repeat. He repeats, but more clearly. Daisy tries to explain that everyone has their own life to worry about, but is interrupted by Darren. Darren bangs the table with anger and gets up and walks away to look at a window as he talks to her about how she has no idea how rough it has been for him, how he wanted to a nurse, wanted to do something with his life where he can help people. Daisy looks shocked, but empathetic. She stands and hugs Darren behind him, promising him that she will be here for him as long as possible.

Darren takes a walk. Up ahead of Darren, a YOUNG MAN walks onto the gutter, but takes a wrong step and falls onto the pavement. A car is storming ahead in the young man’s direction. Darren is alarmed as he witnesses this and runs to grab the young man off the road well before the car goes past. The young man grabs Darren with a grateful embrace, in which Darren looks slightly happy.

Fast forward to a few nights later, Darren is weeping in the dark. Daisy comes out in a dressing down, looking concerned. A news article can be seen on a phone as she approaches Darren. The article has a headline stating; ‘YOUNG LOCAL KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT’. She sits next to him and embraces him. Daisy reminds Darren that there is nothing that he could had done, but Darren answers in a broken tone that saving that young man’s life the other day was all for nothing. Daisy moves Darren away from her and talks to him. She tells him that there are no words that can help, but she tells also him that being in his state is not a weakness, but signs of a strong person since he has been fighting with myself for too long that he has nothing left to fight with. These words from Daisy somewhat calm Darren. He apologizes for bad words he has said towards her and she accepts, assuring him things will definitely get better from here on in.

Darren looks slightly confident and in a slightly better state as he walks along a street and enters a polytech. He then enters a door with the words; COURSE ADVISOR, NURSING.

Darren signs off paperwork with Daisy. Daisy looks proud towards Darren as he grabs the next section of paperwork to complete. 

Darren walks into a hospital setting at the polytech, witnessing other nursing students learning things in that environment. Darren looks engaged to what the class is learning.

In the present day, Darren looks more confident and happy. Leah looks impressed and asks what the story is about his next steps. Darren informs her that he is taking baby steps, but eventually aims to commit to part-time study on doing a nursing degree. He would do full-time, but he reckons it would be too much for him, so it would rather take his chances spending more years on the tertiary study. Leah tells Darren that their time is up and sincerely states that Darren is an inspiration and looks forward to their next meeting.

09/05/2019

I came in early today before cinematography class and did a proof read of my film treatment. I duplicated the word document and made it double spaced to it make it easier to note corrections, then I printed it off to do the proof read. While doing the proof read, I also added new sentences that I wanted included in my treatment.

Once the proof read was complete, I typed up the changes...



State of Mind
Short Film Treatment
Written by Jerry Westaway


Abstract imagery of underground pipes transitions to a young man in his 20’s called DARREN, he is sitting in a waiting room. He looks bored and sighs as he looks at time and then takes out an appointment card out of his jacket pocket with the time on it and then looks at the clock again. He shoves the card back into his pocket and takes out a pen, which he fidgets with in fascination. A door opens. Darren abruptly looks up and puts his pen back in his jacket pocket. It’s a middle-aged counsellor that Darren has come to see called LEAH. She tells him to come in, which he does so and he sits down on a chair. They start to talk with Leah having a pen and paper on a clipboard at the ready.

Darren is looking more sad and depressed than before. It is a couple of months prior to the previous scene. He looks down at a bundle of pens. Darren tries to call his family, but with no answer. There are many unanswered calls on his phone to his family. He picks up a pen.

A woman in her 30’s is looking on a map on her phone. She is Darren’s sister, DAISY. She is trying to find her way around the town. She talks to a STRANGER who gives her directions.

Darren’s CV and a couple of letters are on a table. Darren leaves his flat and takes a walk with overcast skies above him, with a lot on his mind. 

He is in a waiting room in an office building. In a flash, he is thinking about being stuck in bed. He is hungry, but he doesn’t want to get up as time goes by. Suddenly, he hears a muffled voice calling for his name and it’s repeated, but is more clearer this time. He consciously finds myself back in the waiting room and takes off his jacket, revealing neat and tidy clothes. Darren gets up and touches his shirt in a dusting motion. He then enters a door. A MAN signals him to sit down. The man talks inaudibly. Darren feels uncomfortable as he sees the man’s mouth go up and down with speech to a point where he just stares outside to a window. Flashes of his jacket on the chair in the waiting room. He looks certain about something. Flashes of nursing students at work. Darren gets out of the chair and storms out of the building. He grabs his jacket on the way out.

Darren is again taking a walk outside on a footpath of an urban street, with overcast skies still above him. He is hyperventilating, but is trying to chill out. He stops as he calms down.

Darren enters a dairy and looks at the lollies and the biscuits. He starts to leave. A WORKER at the dairy looks at Darren with suspicions, staring at Darren’s jacket. The worker runs after Darren to outside the dairy and accuses him of stealing. Darren is offended, but defensive about the accusation. The worker is unconvinced and threatens to call the police, but then Daisy can see and hear the worker shouting at Darren. Daisy looks outraged and approaches Darren and the worker. The sight of Daisy shocks Darren, but just annoys the worker. The worker tells her to bugger off and mind her own business. Daisy stands her ground and demands to show proof. The worker is stumped for an answer and asks for why this concerns her. Daisy tells the worker that it’s the right thing to do (since not many knew how to these days, in her opinion), she’s Darren’s sister and knows him better than anyone in the town, enough to know that he is not that type of man. 

Back to the present day, Leah asks Darren on his feelings about that situation. Darren explains to Leah that in hindsight, he wouldn’t wear a jacket like that into a dairy or shop of any kind, but the thing was that the jacket made him feel safe and confident to leave his flat. Leah asks if it still does. He answers yes, but states that he is no longer reliant on it. His jacket is hung up on a hanger back at home. Leah reminds Darren that he still hasn’t directly answered her question. He sighs and tells her that the situation was distressing, but still believes that the worker at the dairy had no right to treat him like that. It wasn’t what the worker did, it’s how the worker did it.
With the flick of a pen, Leah notes: If only that worker knew the extent of Darren’s state of mind’. She asks Darren to continue his story.

Back to the story, Darren pouts as he enters his flat with, Daisy, who is looking concerned. Darren is about to enter his room but is halted by Daisy and asks to sit and speak with her. Daisy asks about taking off his jacket, but he refuses with a sullen nod. Darren mumbles, wondering why he can never get her on the phone, but Daisy doesn’t make sense of it and asks him to repeat. He repeats, but this time more clearly and emotional, and his voice is nearly cracking up. Daisy tries to explain that everyone has their own life to worry about, but is interrupted by Darren. Darren bangs the table with anger and gets up and walks away to look at a window as he talks to her about how she has no idea how rough it has been for him, how he wanted to be a nurse, wanted to do something with his life where he can help people. Daisy looks shocked, but empathetic. She stands and hugs Darren behind him, promising him that she will be here for him as long as possible.

Darren takes a walk. Up ahead of Darren, a YOUNG MAN walks onto the gutter, but takes a wrong step and falls onto the pavement. A car is storming ahead in the young man’s direction. Darren is alarmed as he witnesses this and runs to grab the young man off the road well before the car goes past. The young man grabs Darren with a grateful embrace, in which Darren looks slightly happy, yet confused.

Fast forward to a few nights later, Darren is weeping in the dark. Daisy comes out in a dressing down, looking concerned. A news article can be seen on a phone as she approaches Darren. The article has a headline stating; ‘YOUNG LOCAL KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT’. She sits next to him and embraces him. Daisy reminds Darren that there is nothing that he could had done, but Darren answers in a broken tone that saving that young man’s life the other day was all for nothing. Daisy moves Darren away from her and talks to him. She tells him that there are no words that can help, but she tells him also that being in his state is not a weakness, but signs of a strong person since he has been fighting with myself for too long that he has nothing left to fight with. These words from Daisy somewhat calm Darren. He apologises for bad words he has said towards her and she accepts, assuring him things will definitely get better from here on in.

Darren looks slightly confident and in a slightly better state as he walks along a street and enters a polytech. He then enters a door with the words; COURSE ADVISOR, NURSING.

Darren signs off paperwork with Daisy. Daisy looks proud towards Darren as he grabs the next section of paperwork to complete. 

Darren walks into a hospital setting at the polytech, witnessing other nursing students learning things in that environment. Darren looks engaged to what the class is learning.

In the present day, Darren looks more confident and happy. Leah looks impressed towards him and asks what the story is about his next steps. Darren informs her that he is taking baby steps, but eventually aims to commit to part-time study on doing a nursing degree. He would do full-time, but he reckons it would be too much for him, so it would rather take his chances spending more years on the tertiary study. Leah tells Darren that their time is up and sincerely states that Darren is an inspiration and looks forward to their next meeting. 

Darren is outside the counsellor’s office and Daisy is waiting outside with clear skies above them.